Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Blahs

The blahs. I've got 'em. Don't know why really, other than the fact that I feel like I'm not ever going to get this weightloss thing right. I'll either do really well eating and not do well with water and excercise, or I'll do well in the excercise department and not the other two, or do really well drinking water and not in the other areas. I haven't kept track of my calorie intake in I can't tell you how long. I'm conscious of what I'm eating and when and all that, but that's it. I fallen down on the job of writing it down and keeping up with it. I've had cravings for Coke floats that would kill. So I gave in. Saturday and Sunday night I had a Diet Pepsi float. Does it count that I used a DIET soda???? Probably not. Haven't excercised or drank water in a very long time. I just feel like such a failure. I feel like giving up, but I'm not going to. I'll keep trying. I've adopted the song UNWRITTEN by Natasha Bedingfield as my "theme song." I'm going to try to copy and paste the lyrics here. It just helps me remember that I can always start over again and each day is a brand new day. I played that song for myself this morning, hoping it would help, but it didn't. I've still got these blahs. I can't get rid of them. I'm already failing today. I've been up for over three hours now and still haven't had breakfast.

See that's the thing. I never thought it'd be so dang complicated. If I could cut back on what I'd eat, then it wouldn't be so hard. But this whole deal of not eating ENOUGH and trying to get more of the RIGHT calories in per day..... It's just more complicated than I thought it would be. I never expected it to be easy, but it's just an all consuming worry ALL the time. Am I eating enough? Am I eating the right thing? Should I be eating something different or more healthy? I need to excercise. I need to drink water. It just seems like a never ending stream of thoughts reminding me I'm not doing everything right. I'm tired of it all. But I can't quit. I can't. I've got to do this. Not just for myself, but for Austin. He deserves a healthy mom. I've GOT to do this. But sometimes I'm soooo afraid it's just never going to happen. Ever. How do I keep those fears at bay? I'm not sure there is a way. Anyway..... I'm going to try to paste those lyrics now.



Unwritten lyrics
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten.

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