Tuesday, January 30, 2007

CHD Awareness

Please allow me a non weightloss focussed entry. In 2002, I was pregnant at the same time as a very dear friend of mine. Within three months of each other we shared the joy of discovering we were pregnant, first doctor appointments, and the sensations of our beautiful girls moving within us. Tragically, my little girl was born still. I didn't think there could be a greater loss. Then a few months later, my friend delivered her little girl. However, her sweet angel was born with a heart defect. This family had to live through their little girl's fight for life. My heart broke again when I heard the news that baby Allison lost her fight on August 13, 2002. So my friend, Alexis, has been trying to build awareness for Congenital Heart Defects ever since. February is CHD Awareness month. I'm going to post Alexis post from her blog here in hopes that the few that read my blog will remember, be aware, and hug their own children a little tighter, and be so very thankful for the blessings that we have.

You're in my heart and prayers Alexis!! Allison will NEVER be forgotten!! :hugs:



The blahs. I've got 'em. Don't know why really, other than the fact that I feel like I'm not ever going to get this weightloss thing right. I'll either do really well eating and not do well with water and excercise, or I'll do well in the excercise department and not the other two, or do really well drinking water and not in the other areas. I haven't kept track of my calorie intake in I can't tell you how long. I'm conscious of what I'm eating and when and all that, but that's it. I fallen down on the job of writing it down and keeping up with it. I've had cravings for Coke floats that would kill. So I gave in. Saturday and Sunday night I had a Diet Pepsi float. Does it count that I used a DIET soda???? Probably not. Haven't excercised or drank water in a very long time. I just feel like such a failure. I feel like giving up, but I'm not going to. I'll keep trying. I've adopted the song UNWRITTEN by Natasha Bedingfield as my "theme song." I'm going to try to copy and paste the lyrics here. It just helps me remember that I can always start over again and each day is a brand new day. I played that song for myself this morning, hoping it would help, but it didn't. I've still got these blahs. I can't get rid of them. I'm already failing today. I've been up for over three hours now and still haven't had breakfast.

See that's the thing. I never thought it'd be so dang complicated. If I could cut back on what I'd eat, then it wouldn't be so hard. But this whole deal of not eating ENOUGH and trying to get more of the RIGHT calories in per day..... It's just more complicated than I thought it would be. I never expected it to be easy, but it's just an all consuming worry ALL the time. Am I eating enough? Am I eating the right thing? Should I be eating something different or more healthy? I need to excercise. I need to drink water. It just seems like a never ending stream of thoughts reminding me I'm not doing everything right. I'm tired of it all. But I can't quit. I can't. I've got to do this. Not just for myself, but for Austin. He deserves a healthy mom. I've GOT to do this. But sometimes I'm soooo afraid it's just never going to happen. Ever. How do I keep those fears at bay? I'm not sure there is a way. Anyway..... I'm going to try to paste those lyrics now.

Unwritten lyrics
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Yay! It's Friday!!

I am soooo happy it's Friday!!! You just don't know!!!!! I've got so much junk that I need to do, but just can't get focussed enough to do it! I can't wait til 3:00!!

Anyway....Shame on me! I didn't keep track of what I ate yesterday. I didn't do too bad though, I don't think. I didn't eat breakfast. And as usual, I didn't eat enough in general. Didn't drink enough H2O. But I did excercise. Thirty minutes on the bike. Not great, but not bad either.

Today, I bought myself and my office mate a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit from Bojangles. I had half a sub on whole wheat from Subway for lunch. It was a roast beef sub with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, olives, oil/vinegar and mustard. NO mayonaise. I was good. I love mayo, but didn't have it. :-)

No water so far today. But remember when I said I was going to try drinking at the top of the hour? Well it works when I remember to do it. lol

Our school nurse is on my school's Biggest Loser team. She told me the other day to eat a big breakfast, a smaller lunch and a tiny supper. That way it gives your body a chance to burn the largest amount of consumed calories earlier on in the day. Makes sense to me.

I know this has been a choppy entry, but really didn't have much to write about this time, but wanted to write something since I didn't write at all yesterday.

Here's hoping for a WONDERFUL weekend!!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

You know, it's hard coming up with new titles everyday!

Everytime I sit down to write, I have to come up with a title. I don't want it to be the same thing everday, but it's really hard to always come up with something interesting to call each entry. Oh well....

Last night we had mexican take out. I didn't tell Bill that I'd just had the same thing for lunch the day before. I love mexican. And I almost always get the same thing. The chicken and rice and cheese dish. It's a weekness of mine. Considering the things I could be getting, it's not too bad of a choice. I don't think it is anyway.

I'm doing really well about not eating at night, so I'm proud of myself for that. Water and excercise though still isn't happening. I've GOT to figure out a way of doing better with both of those. And I need to figure out how to eat more of the right things throughout the day. My problem is organization. If I were more organized, I could put meals and snacks together the night before and have the next day's food all figured out. But I"m not that organized. Never have been. Plus, I think a large part of the problem is the fact I'm L-A-Z-Y. I'm lazy and I've grown accostomed to being in some fairly bad habits. When I get home, all I want to do is spend time with my family and relax. Then before you know it, it's time to put Austin to bed and then, when Bill is home, that is our quality time together. I've tried getting up really early and getting stuff done. Yea, that ain't gonna happen either. LOL So I know something's gotta give. It's just remembering that fact when the time comes. Old habits really do die hard.

This morning I've had coffee with cream and Splenda. Guess I need to look up the calories for that. I'll be eating Mini Wheats with milk in just a little. I'm also going to make myself drink a glass of water before I do anything else. You know, that might be what I'm going to have to do. I dislike water sooooo much that I'm going to have to look at it like medicine. Something I have to do at certain times of the day. That just might work. If I know at certain times, I have to stop what I'm doing and chug a glass of water, I won't have to worry about getting it in here and there. I know you're not supposed to drink too much to fast, but maybe a glass an hour or so?? That just might work. If I can just remember to do it. Just like old habits are hard to break, new ones are just as hard to begin. But I can do this.

Ok, I've rambled enough. Oh, I found out that my bestest friend in the entire world is going to start reading this!! So YAY!!! We've known each other since we were four years old. She truly is my best friend and the sister I never had. So welcome sis!!

Ok, this is really it. Off to drink my first glass of water!!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I'm back!

No, I haven't forgotten about this blog. I've been sick. Well at least I thought I was sick. Just between me and the few of you who are reading this, I'm beginning to wonder if what I had was just KILLER period cramps. I started having abdominal pain Sunday evening and it got to the point I was doubled over by Tuesday. I went to the dr. and she wanted me to have two CT scans done. One of which involve and enema and the other an IV. I absolutely hated both. To make things even worse, everything showed to be normal. I know. That's a good thing. But to have gone through all that, just to be told nothing's wrong..... Sheesh!! I know. I'm thankful; don't get me wrong, but you know what I mean. So the dr. said it was either a spastic colon or something viral. I was out of work all week last week except for Friday. Friday was the first day that I felt normal again. It must have been something viral or just really bad period cramps, because I've been fine since Friday. So who knows????

Sorta blew my diet during all that. When I was at my worst, I didn't feel like eating anything. So I know I didn't get my caloric intake for several days. Then I think I made up for not eating over the weekend. I ate anything I wanted to. Yesterday was no better. Didn't eat enough again. And what I did have wasn't the best choice. I had my chicken and rice dinner from Panch Villa's (a mexican restraunt). Had half for lunch and half for dinner. That was it. Nothing else. *sigh* I never in a million years thought my problem would be not eating ENOUGH.

Trying to do better today. I had my Mini Wheats with milk this morning. And will have eggdrop soup for lunch. Haven't done so great with water or excercise. Hopefully will do better with those two things this evening when I get home. We'll see.

I bought a self-hypnosis book yesterday concentrating on attaining your "perfect weight." I've read the first three chapters and have listened to the first 4 sessions of the CD that was included. I think it's helping. Again...we'll see.

Oh, some people here at work have started my school's version of The Biggest Loser. I've joined in on that. The details are being ironed out, but basically we are going to be in 2-4 groups. We will have a group winner and an individual winner. By the end of May whichever group has lost the most weight will get to leave school to go to lunch while the "losers" cover their classes. Also, it's going to cost $5 to be a part of this and the individual who loses the most will win the money pot. So it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

Well, that pretty much sums up the past week. I certainly hope this week is better for me.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

New addition to the family

This weekend has NOT been good diet-wise. Not only have I not been excercising or drinking any water, but I have done a lousy job eating. I gave into chocolate and carbs yesterday and today I just haven't eaten enough of the right things and again, too much of the wrong things. But I have not given up. Going to get back on track tomorrow. Plus, today Bill and I bought a NordicTrack Audio Rider R400. A bike. I think one of the things that have been holding me back so much from excercising has been the fact that it hurts so much to walk. Can't remember if I've said already or not, but I have a slipped disk in my back and it really does hurt to walk for any length of time. I think biking will be better. Plus we have it set up in the den, so I won't feel totally cut off from my family. So I think it's a good step in the right direction.

I think I have already mentioned that I'm pms'ing. Well that has NOT helped this weekend. So, I'm not making excuses for myself, I'm just saying...... I'm not AS bummed as I was earlier today. No, it hasn't been a great weekend, but I'm NOT giving up. Used to be, I'd already given up.

If I quit cramping tonight, I'm going to bike some. So we'll see. :-)

Friday, January 12, 2007

NOT a good day!

Ok, I'm kinda bummed, so I'm just going to copy and paste what I posted on Storknet. Oh, in addition to what I said I had to eat there, I also had .5 banana and 1 tsp of peanut butter for breakfast. Not going to add everything up today. I know it won't be enough calories and they'll be too many of the wrong kind. Sooo..... here's my day and my feelings today:

I have done soooooo lousy today. NO water, haven't excercised in the past, oh I don't know, 4-5 days, haven't eaten NEAR enough, and what I have had has been the wrong stuff. Had my left over mexican for lunch and pork BBQ with slaw and FRIES for supper. I'm pms'ing so I'm hungry for the wrong stuff all the time. I've caught myself, more than once today, looking for chocolate. I know that we have some in the house and I know where it is. I'm just really trying hard to stay away from it. But when I have a bad day, I get in the mindset of, "well, I've done so bad all day today, why not just finish the evening off and have anything I want." I'm thinking about going to get a bannasplit, but am fighting the urge all I can.

WHY do I do so good for a couple of days and then just loose it?!?!?! I soooo suck! Yes, I'm in a pity party too. That's another thing I do. Aren't I wonderful??!?! Ok, I'll stop now.

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

How am I going to eat more?

Ok, yesterday I had a total of 719 calories. That is NOT enough. I know this. I just don't know how to fix it. I eat throughout the day, as you can see in my previous entries. Maybe I should increase my snacks, but dang!!! It's sooooo hard to eat when I'm NOT hungry. I do good to eat what I do. I don't know.... All I know for sure is that we are given new days so that we can have new beginnings. So, I'll try again today. I know for lunch today, I'll be having a mexican dish called Arroz con Pollo (ACP) which is chicken and rice with cheese sauce. I've got to find out somehow, how many calories are in that thing. I'll probably only eat half of it today and the other half tomorrow for lunch. Editing to add: I found the nutrition facts for "Chicken in cheese sauce with Spanish rice." For 10 ozs there's 385.84 calories, 1245.1 sodium, 35.88 carbs and 34.45 protien. Not as bad as I thought it'd be. :-)

Also, I've GOT to find a way to get motivated to excercise and drink water. I'm not doing well on either of those fronts. The only excercise I'm good at right now, is walking. My size makes it hard to do anything else. Not to mention my coordination and balance is aweful. So...I'd ride a bike or swim, but I have no bike and don't have the money to join a gym with a heated pool. So, I'll walk. Have to do better on MAKING myself do it though.

Anyway, I'll be editing this entry throughout the day to keep track of what I eat and the calories. In just a few mins. I'll be having my Mini Wheats and .5 banana.

Breakfast: Mini Wheats (220), .5 banana (52)

Snack: 1/4 cup chex mix (50?)

Lunch: ACP from Pancho's (386)

Snack: 0.5 banana (52), 1 tsp. peanut butter (35)

Supper: Japanese teriyaki salmon and rice (420), Shrimp sauce (160),

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Brand new day!

I thank God for new days and new beginnings. I didn't do terrible last night, but didn't do really well either. I feel bad that I didn't excercise and didn't drink much water. And I hate that I got so out of control at supper. But as far as I'm concerned, it's all in the past and today is a new day.

I had a 7:00 chiropractor appointment this morning, so it thrown my eating routine off kilter some. Here it is almost 9:30 and I'm just now eating breakfast. I'll have a group of kids in just a few mins too, so I'm wondering if I'll get to finish it. Anyway, hoping to do MUCH better today.

*fingers crossed*

Breakfast: Mini Wheats (no milk) (180)

Snack: .5 banana (52)

Lunch: Dinty Moore Beef Stew (250)

Snack: .5 banana, 1 tsp peanut butter (87)

Supper: Chicken noodle soup (150)

I was going to have a taco salad from Wendy's but I got home and crashed on the sofa and slept for 2 hours. When I got up, I did not feel like doing anything, let alone, go back out to get food. So I ended up having soup. I came in at 719 calories. Didn't excercise or get much water in. So, not so great. I'll post a new entry tomorrow and whine a little more. LOL :-)

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

What I'm eating

Ok, need to keep my list of foods today all in one place. So here it is.

Breakfast: Mini Wheates (220)

Snack: 0.5 banana (52), 1 tsp peanut butter (35)

Lunch: Hormel Sweet and Sour Chicken (300)

Snack: 3 peanut butter crackers (90)

Supper: (Kinda went crazy at supper. Think I'm pms'ing, so that's not helping matters.) Three mini hamburger patties dipped in ranch. Half a piece of fried chicken from KFC, half a helping of mashed potatoes and gravy, 2 helpings of mac and cheese, sweet tea. (Don't know calorie content of any of this and really don't want to know.)

Didn't excercise today and my water intake was sorry. I'll try harder tomorrow.

Good news, bad news

Well, last night Bill surprised me by taking me to Red Lobster for supper. I didn't do too bad...... at first. I ordered crab legs with broccoli. I wasn't going to have any bread and of course no dessert. Well they brought out the salads and I had mine with one of their small little cups of ranch. Not so bad so far. Well after the salads we had to wait a little. That cheese bread smelled soooo good. So I thought one little pinch won't hurt. One pinch turned to two, and two to three and before I knew it, I had eaten the whole thing. Shame on me!! Well the dinner came. I had ALL of the crab legs, but used very little of the butter. Actually it wasn't even enough to mention. After dinner I saw on their dessert card a new item.....vanilla bean cheese cake. OMG!!! It looked so good. And then without thinking I caught myself reading the description. On a graham cracker crust, the bottom half was vanilla bean cheese cake and the top half was WHITE CHOCOLATE with whipped cream!!!! The need for white chocolate and cheesecake combined overtook my ability to think, let alone think rationally. Before I knew it, I had ordered and eaten half of it. :-( Oh man the guilt I felt! I had done soooo well yesterday. I felt like all the good I had done not only yesterday, but the day before had been wasted just because of that one slip up. I was so bummed last night. I tried to excercise, but didn't even get a half a mile done, before getting totally depressed and I just gave up. Well at about 10:00 last night I forced myself to get over it and told myself it was just one mistake and I could start all over again tomorrow.

I got up this morning and took a shower and dried my hair and stepped on the scale cringing at the thought of what that cheesecake did to me. Guess what????? It was showing I have LOST a pound since the day before yesterday!!! I couldn't get over it! I"m still trying to convince myself that it was real. I'm still thinking that I'll get on the scale tomorrow and not only will that pound be back, but four others to make up for it.

But hey, it's gone for now. So I'm happy!

Got a good night's sleep last night. Not enough I'm sure. Got probably 4-5 hours worth, but that's a whole lot better than I've been getting. I've had my first dose of Slim Quick and my breakfast of Mini Wheats and milk (220 calories). Not doing so great with the water yet, but it's still early yet. A lot of day left, so I'll keep trying.

Well, I need to go and get some work done. Just wanted to come tell my good and bad news. :-)

Monday, January 8, 2007

Storknet post

The entry before this one, I said that I had posted a question on my parenting board (Storknet) and that I'd post it here and some of the answeres I received. I had asked about excercise and calories and, well here it is, see for yourself.

Ok. I'm trying to lose weight. I'm doing it the old fashioned way. Hard work, determination, diet and excercise. Well, I've always heard that you'll lose weight if you burn more calories than you consume. If you consume 1,000 calories in a day, how in the hello are you going to burn 1,001 or more in a day? Now I'm not asking that question if you're small enough to blow away in a strong wind and run tri-atholons or anything. I'm asking for people like me, who are significantly overweight and any kind of excercise at all is challenging. Not to mention I have a bad back and just walking on a treadmill is painful. I walked a mile last night and burned a little over 80 calories. I consumed just under 1,000. This morning I walked .5 mile and burned 42.5 calories. That's the equivalent to just a little more than a tsp. of peanut butter. How am I going to lose any weight at this rate? I plan on walking more today, but still.... Probably won't burn 1000 calories worth. What else can I do, or do I have my facts right?
The women over there are some of the best I know. They gave me a lot of good information. A lot of the things they told me, I knew, but just hadn't really thought about it. For instance, they helped me realize that I'm not eating enough. For my size I need to eat between 1300-1500 calories a day. Well, I'm going to try for 1300, and that will be tough enough. They told me about maintnance calories. Still need to do some research on that one, but from what I gather, those are the calories that we burn by just living life. So that, I'm sure, will help with the my original question. They told me about how many calories I'd need to burn to lose a pound, they suggested getting a pedometer (which I have one, and will have to find it) to keep track of how much I walk during just an average day. They gave me this site, http://www.am-i-fat.com/calmaintain.html , to figure out how many calories I must maintain to stay the weight I am. I'm telling you.... If you think they're this supportive on weightloss issues, just imagine how supportive they are with parenting issues. It's a wonderful message board and an even better group of women. I would encourage any parent or grandparent to join. Well, so much for my plug for Storknet :-) Seriously though, some of those women got me through some of hardest times of my life.
That's all I have for now. Besides, my next group of kids are coming.
Until next time...

So Far, So Good

Well, so far today, I've been really proud of myself. I got up this morning at 5:00 and walked 0.5 mile on the treadmil and burned 42.5 calories. Would have liked to have done more, but I swear, I am soooo out of shape, it's not even funny. Plus, I was tired. Couldn't sleep again last night. I don't know what is wrong with me. I went to bed around 12:30 or so and tossed and turned until about 4:30 and then got up at 5:00. So I'm functioning today on VERY little sleep. Oh well...such is life I guess.

Anyway.... For breakfast I had one serving of strawberry flavored Mini Wheats (220 calories). I missed my mid morning snack, but had it right before lunch. It consisted of a banana and a teaspoon of peanut butter (140 calories). Lunch was Dinty Moore's Beef Stew (250 calories). And here I sit. Had a big glass of water while/after I walked this morning and have had 20 more ounces since then. I will bye myself another bottle before I get my next group of kids. I posted a question on my parenting bored (Storknet) this morning about excercise. I'll post it and some of the answers I got in another entry later.

I've discovered that I'm not eating enough. So I've been trying to eat more, but more of the right food. It's really hard to eat when I'm not hungry, but I'm trying to do what I need to do. As I've said before, water is going to be my toughest challenge, but I'm trying.

Ok, gotta go for now. Am supposed to pick up my next group of kiddos in about five minutes.

Ok, editing to ad the peanut butter crackers I just had as a snack. Don't see the need to post a whole new entry just for that. I had half a pack which equals three crackers (90 calories). So what's the total so far....gotta total it all up...700 calories so far and I still have supper to go. So I think I'm eating pretty well today. I can have a supper that's 500-600 calories. Not too bad! :-)

Until next time...

Sunday, January 7, 2007


Well didn't get to excercise while Austin napped today. I fell asleep with him. It was really rainy today. We all know how good it is to sleep on rainy days. So, I'm getting ready to go excercise now. I'm chatting online withMichelle, one of my friends that's going to help me lose weight. It's hard to stop talking to her. I enjoy chatting with her. But need to get off here and burn some calories.

I was bad at supper. I had to go from a mexican restuarant. Chicken and rice and cheese sauce. Very, very good, but bad for diet. Not sure how many calories, but I bet a whole bunch. I've GOT to do better!

Oh forgot to say earlier that I'm also taking Slim Quick. It's a metabolism booster. It's what Michelle took when she was losing weight. She said it really worked for her. Also took my multi vitamin. So the only thing I'm slacking in today (granted that I get off my butt in a few and excercise) is drinking water. That's going to be the hardest part for me. I just don't like water.

But tomorrow is another day, and I'll try harder then.

Ok, need to try to pry myself away from this computer and get to work.

Until next time.....



Hear we go. Well at least here I go. lol I'm taking on the challenge of losing weight....AGAIN! But this time I WILL do it. I know it. Things are different this year. I have new sources of support. I have met someone who, in October 2005 was my size. She now looks like a model. She's offered to help me. I also have an online buddy. She's one of my friends on Storknet, a parenting message board. I also belong to an awesome group on that same website that provides tons of support. So, I know that in a year's time, I will be a completely different person. I just know it.

I will use this blog to journal trials and tribulations, joys and sorrows and just some feelings in general. I know this will be the toughest thing I've ever had to do, but I know the end result will be so worth it. I will also use this blog to keep track of what and when I eat, the calories I consume and the calories I burn. I'll track my progress and post updates on goals. I'm not certain who will be reading this, but if you're here in support, thank you. If you're here to receive support, I'll do everything I can to help. Thank you for being here regardless.

Ok, let's get started.....

Today so far I've had:

2 tsp of peanut butter - 60 cals
.5 container of blackberry yogurt - 50 cals
left over billy boy chicken from Sagebrush - 400 cals (I'm guessing.....it was about 4 ozs chicken
with cheese, bbq sauce and ranch

Now, I've got to go lay Austin (my 3 year old) down for a nap. Hopefully, I'll excercise those calories off while he sleeps. We'll see though.

I'll be back later with more updates